Everywhere I look these days I see "tips" for how to navigate the rough waters of the economic tsunami. Some of the advice is useful. Much of it, as you might expect, centers on how to manage what's left of our finances during the downturn, how to not make short term blunders at the expense of long term wisdom. And even though all the cards and letters from my broker and banker and real estate agent can be a bit overwhelming at times, I'm happy to have the experts out there--at the very least--reminding me to stay calm...and stay the course (e.g. do NOT sell your 401K stocks now!).

But the onslaught of advice also prompts me to pause and reflect on the bigger question: how to we stay centered and grounded in the midst of major change? Given that the focus of all my work--and my "Life-Shifting" methodology--is on helping people to become more masterful at handling fear in the midst of change, I thought I'd weigh in on the counsel parade.

So...here's seven steps that I'm taking to weather the storm. I offer these tips to my clients and friends and would really love to hear from fellow journeyers: what do you think of my list? What's your magic formula for sailing upright and with an even keel when confronted with a hurricane of grand proportions? I'm all ears!

Number 1:

Make Small Things Big. In my last post I wrote specifically about finding joy in the seemingly mundane. It is in the minutiae of everyday living where meaning is found. Create quality time to be with friends and family; hug your pet a bit more often; think about the friend who makes you laugh, and seek him/her out; Make a list of fun activities that are FREE: walk in the park, roll in a pile of leaves (ok, I admit I've got a yard full of leaves to get rid of right now); read a great novel; re-learn how to play Parcheesi; start an online photo album and re-live memories from the good times (the Clinton years?).

Number 2:

Invest, but only in yourself. Now may not be the best time to be hanging on the investment advice of every pundit on CNBC. Now may be the time to let go of the habit of checking on your retirement account every few hours. Now is still a great time to invest, but instead of spending what little extra cash you may have on stocks or bonds (or heaven forbid options or puts!), spend that money on YOU. Learn a new hobby (I'm thinking of taking up knitting!), take a class or even a whole series of classes in something you've always wanted to learn--maybe cooking, or a new language, or web design, or pottery.

Don't think about the investment as a new career. Think of something you've always wanted to learn but maybe haven't taken the time. Resiliency in difficult times is based on having an ever expanding portfolio of skills--and what you love to do, you'll do best.

Number 3:

Connect to Community. I believe that the number one contributor to depression and anxiety in times like these is isolation. When in fear-mode, many of us tend to withdraw and hide-out. Alone time is important, of course, but disconnecting from people can be deadly. On the other hand, being a socialite can be isolating as well. We've all come across those lonely souls who prefer to hide-out in a crowd. Manhattan, or any large city, can be a lonely place, even when your surrounded by seven million of your closest friends.

The key to avoiding isolation--in a group or on your own--is finding community. Look for"meet up" groups, or spiritual groups, or hobby groups--the key is to find people with similar interests and values, a place where you can let your hair down and feel safe just to be you. And I don't recommend putting all your eggs of vulnerability in the basket called "family". Often, family is fraught with complexity and emotional baggage. Friends, even like-minded acquaintances, can be a safer bet in these anxious times. That's why community groups are so crucial: you never know when you may just meet the person who will change your life...for the better.

Number 4:

Share the Wealth. Joe the Plumber and the diatribes linking Obama to Socialism notwithstanding, a key foundational principle of America has always been thus: giving is getting. As Republican as I can sometimes be -- especially in my belief in self-sufficiency and self-reliance -- it is cynical and downright anti-American to talk about "spreading the wealth" as if it were some anachronistic tenet of Marxist orthodoxy. In the midst of the "Joe the Plumber" epic drama, did you ever wonder if Bill Gates started re-thinking whether he should give $500 million to "spread" his wealth and wipe out malaria? I doubt it. So maybe you and I don't have $500 million or even $500 to spare these days...but the quantity of sharing is not the point: giving back IS.



Number 5:

Think Long Term. Did you ever notice that economic cycles, like the average life span of an American (or foreign--there ain't no difference any more!) car, tend to run in 5-8 year increments? I'm not a numerologist, astrologer or futurist, but even an every day psychologist can see that most major change cycles happen approximately every seven years. If you look back on your life and think in terms of 5-8 year cycles, you will likely see major changes--in relationships, careers, your kids development, etc. That's why when I support clients in crafting a vision for the future, I recommend they think about the next GREAT DECADE.

Let yourself fantasize thus: it is ten years from now, where are you? Where do you live? What do you do? Who are you with? Looking back over the past ten years (from ten years hence), how has your life changed? Ten years from now, every cell in your body will have died and been replaced. You will be brand new--so give your new cells a new dream to live into, What is your dream decade ahead?

Number 6:

Live in the NOW. Ok, I know what you're gonna say. How do I think "now" and "long term" at the same time? Well, of course, you don't, right? Well, think again. The key is balance. Finding time to craft a decade long vision is important because, as Obama might well advise, it keeps hope alive. Thinking about a bright future over the long haul is a special human gift. We are the only animals on the planet that dream dreams and make them come true! On the other hand, living entirely in the future is a recipe for disaster. We also need to learn to be awake in the present: to live in the NOW. For this practice, I recommend learning to meditate and doing yoga. Read my past blogs on this subject. Read Eckart Tolle's The Power of Now. Read Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go There You Are. Go out and learn a little pranayana(those Hindi's KNOW how to breathe!).

Number 7:

Reconnect with Nature. I know that this one may sound a bit obvious. I am not the first to recommend that being in nature is soothing, healing, and grounding. We all know the importance of staying connected to the great outdoors, of respecting, relishing and rejuvenating our spirits in the exultation of mountain vistas, pristine forests and moonlit sand dunes. But do you know why nature is such a tool for healing?

Think about it: what are the most profound reminders of fundamental truths? Where do we look when we forget that "everything happens in cycles", "life IS change", a few years is a "blip on the screen of eternity"? Trees. Mountains. Rocks. Flowers. Beaches.


They know what we forget: that all things ripen and transform in time; that life is short, sweet, mysterious...and remarkable. We need them--and in times like these--a daily dose may be just what the doctor ordered. Always available, always free...and no side effects.

So there you have my personal "seven steps to serenity" -- or should I say "sanity" for these tumultuous times. Of course, this is just a starting point. There are hundreds more things we can all do to stay centered, grounded, and even happy as the storm passes. In fact, I just got a "hot tips" list in the mail from my insurance agent. Probably wants me to buy more insurance...but...you never know. I guess I won't just throw it away like I usually do...

Cheers,

Dr J

Well, it has been almost a week since what I like to call the big "Shift" in America, truly a collective "life-shift" if there ever was one. I don't know about you but I'm still glowing with the feelings of hope, joy and possibility that Obama's election and the historic collective shift in consciousness may mean for our country...and the globe.

Interesting tidbit though: do you know what the single most talked about topic has been on the blogs and Obama's website since his acceptance speech? Economic downturn? No. Ending Iraq war? No. New Cabinet appointees? Nope. Surprise: the single most talked about thing in the world of "all things Obama" has been what kind of puppy will be gifted to his two young daughters as they transition to life in the big house. A puppy? Not economic tsunamis and wars?



That's right, the puppy. It seems that in the midst of the most historic event perhaps in our lifetimes, what the world cares about is something small. Something mundane. Yet, are we really surprised? When it comes right down to it, even in the midst of huge cataclysmic life shifts--collective or personal--what often really bubbles to top-o-mind for most of us is the small stuff, the little, touching, moving, connective tissues that remind us of what really matters: puppies matter. Daughters matter. Hugs and cuddles and licks on the face...they really matter.

At the end of the day, what gives meaning and purpose to life is the little things. The things that remind us of our inherent humanity, the things--like love of cuddly puppies--that bring all the big woes of the world back down to earth and remind us that we are all really the same, that we are all simply human beings living on a tiny dirtball spinning in space...and that life is a mystery.

Watching President-elect Obama give his firt press conference, to the world, as it were--since every eye on the planet is clearly on him these days--I was once again, as I have been often watching him during the campaign, impressed and moved by his groundedness and humility. He's just a regular guy, with his head on straight (hopefully, it will stay that way!), and his priorities in order: puppies first, saving the world, second.

He knows, as we all know, if we stop and reflect for a moment, that where true meaning is found in life is in the small, everyday moments; moments when we come face to face with the mystery and wonder and blessings of being alive: in the glowing, innocent face of a new-born puppy. The miracle of life.

In my line of work, I'm often asked to help clients make the big shifts--to find a purpose in life with a capital "P". There are endless articles and books written about how crucial it is to have a purpose, a goal, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. This is all to the good, but sometimes I think that our goal and purpose-oriented culture misses the boat: what we all really want in life is not just purpose, but MEANING--to feel that being alive has depth, that we are not isolated and alone but touched and connected; to belong.

So in keeping with the President-elect's top priorities: just for today let's not worry too much about having a grand purpose or goal in life. Instead, look around at your life and take a meander through the mundane. Take an inventory of what you find most touching, meaningful, and moving in your life. I bet it won't be a grand, eloquent, or audacious goal for making big money or changing the world (not that there is anything wrong with either!), but more likely it will be the smile across the table from you spouse after you bring her/him coffee, or the grateful meow and leg rub you'll get from the kitty who you just fed, or the heart-warming chuckle you'll feel when a pal sends you photos of his son's first Halloween costume. You get the idea.



Purpose is fine, but meaning is what counts. Purpose is for a life time, meaning is for moments. And, at the end of the day, moments are all we really have.

Small moments, big joy. A simple formula, for a day, for life.

Ok, gotta run...kitty whining.

Dr J

Well, wow! What a historic week. I've normally stayed away from politics in my blogs -- and will continue to do so -- but since Oprah got unleashed this week with the election over, I guess it's ok for me to CELEBRATE publicly as well. So, even though I'm normally an unapologetic Independent in all things political, this week I do feel jubilant. Here's what I wrote to my west coast friends early on the post-election morn:

I found myself tearing up in front of the TV way after Midnight last night here on the East Coast...just watching history unfold before my eyes. I had just gotten off the phone with friends who were cheering and celebrating in Times Square...and I could feel the sense of elation and camaraderie and connectedness that was alive in the air-- breaking through the tyrannical shroud of fear that we have lived under for 8 long years--with thousands of people just over-flowing in the streets: jubilant and exultant that AMERICA finally got it right!!!

I too, am hopeful again... for our little ones who, when they grow up to vote for president, will no longer think of skin color or any other fear-based "otherness" that has for so long torn us apart. ..and for our friends around the world who had pretty much given up on the U.S. ever being a beacon of human rights, equality and compassion once again. Yahoo...we're back!

So, as you can clearly see...I was very pleased with the outcome of the election. I was moved deeply by the historic nature of the event, and the quality--and qualities--evident in the man who will symbolically, if not literally, lead us out of this dark period in American history. It is time to celebrate.

It is also a rare moment for me in the Adventures in Life-Shifting: I get to write about my favorite stage in the six-stage process of self-renewal: REALIZATION.

Most of the time in this blog, I focus on one of the other five stages in every cycle of major life change: the Rut, the Release, the Retreat, The Revival, and the Rehearsal. For obvious reasons, we all struggle mightily with the fears and anxieties and challenges that accompany being stuck, letting go, re-inventing ourselves and re-committing to new adventures and new behaviors. What I don't get to write about as often as I would like is the great moments of culmination, success, and victory that DO arrive now and again in life.

Sometimes we really do break through a glass ceiling. Sometimes we really do transcend our own limitations and transform our lives. Sometimes we realize our dreams. AND sometimes it is important to stop working long enough to relish the moment!

Truth be told, as moved as I was by Obama's somber and eloquent acceptance speech on Tuesday night, I was also just a tad disappointed. I am hopeful that he went home to Michelle, the kids, and his close pals...and threw a big party, at least for all the tireless workers that carried him along the long, long road to the White House! They--and he--deserve it. I know that pundits were saying that it was "appropriate" and "impressive" that he avoided the triumphal tone of self-congratulation. Ok, I'm all for humility and gratitude. Apple pie and Chevrolet...those are the down home American values. Tried and true.

BUT...

in my experience with clients who reach a pinnacle of accomplishment and achieve hard fought goals: it is important to ENJOY YOUR SUCCESS. Sometimes the puritanical American cultural baggage of our forefathers and mothers makes it supposedly unseemly to really experience the joy, the exultation and the delight in realizing hard fought dreams. To that, I say BAH HUMBUG: let's party!

Far too many of my clients--and I see some of this tendency in myself as well--achieve some goal or dream and never bother to even stop, breathe and relish the moment. They are just on to the next mountain to climb.

I remember calling my client Colette, just after the press release had come out that she had received the job as head of Global HR for a major international bank. I was so happy for her, so proud of her. Here was someone who had been let go from another very senior position in HR with no warning or explanation, in the midst of a divorce, who rallied her spirits and quickly nailed down an even bigger job. I wanted her to celebrate -- to acknowledge herself and her gifts, her hard work, and her perseverance. Her reaction: "oh yeah, I saw the press release but didn't read it. I've got work to do."

OK...I get it. We are a nation of Do'ers. Strivers. Worker drones scurrying around always busy, busy, busy on this dust ball called earth. So I guess I shouldn't have expected to see Obama out there with a big grin and glass of champagne. And he's right, we do have a huge climb to get out of the deep hole of angst, despair, and distress that we've dug ourselves (don't forget, we elected G.W., sort of) for the past 8 years. Nevertheless, for today, for a moment, it is important to celebrate.

So here's my question for the day: do you celebrate your life? Do you feel real joy--lasting joy--in your accomplishments?

We are not talking about boasting or ego-stroking or putting others down here. We are talking about celebrating the miracle of transformation--in this country, in ourselves.

So, in unbelievable gratitude for the miracle of a new, black, proud and unvarnished voice that has arrived on the American scene -- in a defining moment of history -- I suggest that we all step back, take a breath, and embrace the realization of a true shift in collective consciousness! We now know that anyone, of any color, of any race, of any creed, really can become the leader of the free world. Not, of course, without a whole lot of hard work, talent, grit and determination--not to mention a crack campaign team, but it IS possible.

Humanity really is sometimes a marvelous machine of possibility. Evolution is nothing if not a series of unheralded, natural, mystical leaps in the dark. But humans--creatures of natural selection though we may be--are different: we can turn on the lights! We can light up the skies, penetrate the depths of the universe, and pierce through the veil of separation. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

We can jump, as thousands in Times Square, Chicago, Paris, and Kenya, were doing on Tuesday night--for joy!

Yes, we can!

They'll be plenty of time for work when the next Rut stage sets in...but for now:

Oh Happy Day!

Dr J

"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But, it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you." Brian Andreas

Ok, let's get practical. Today I want to share with you two real-life examples of "life-shifting" in action. The stories I'm about to share here are real (the names have been changed to protect the innocent), and I think it is safe to say that their tales of woe in dealing with Florida real estate are not rare--at least not these days! The situations that each of these clients find themselves in are similar. The ways that each deals with FEAR are completely different. Let's see what we can learn from their plight.

This is a tale of two Gary's. Gary #1 is in his early 60's, a semi-retired professional, living in Florida. A few years ago he and a friend became next-door neighbors in the second-home condo world of beachfront Florida real estate. Buying a beautiful top-floor condo right near the water, near the peak of the market, Gary #1 looked at the location, the up-scale developments going up all-around, and decided this was a great time to make a solid investment. He had done well with Florida real estate in the past, and as the market was roaring along on all cylinders, all indicators--beach front, upscale, sought-after location, growing population, good financing, etc.--signaled that this was a no-brainer.

Gary #2 is much younger, mid-30's New York professional, just getting into career planning, 401K's, and investments. He too purchased an ocean front condo--on a different coast--in a fast-growing, affluent neighborhood. He too, got great financing. He too, believed that the market would continue to head up.

Both Gary's thought of themselves as "long term" investors; that is, at least a couple of years! At an upward rate of appreciation in the market of 10% or more each year, both believed that they would make good money if they decided to sell within about 3 years.

We know what happened next. Hurricanes hit Florida all the time, but economic tsunamis are relatively new phenomenon. Mortgage crises, plummeting home prices, foreclosures all around, rising taxes, and few renters...all the worst possible events have occurred.

Jump forward two years. Both Gary's are in shock, anxious and fearful. "Stressed out" would be the phrase I most often hear. For a while they thought the storm would abate, the tide would turn...but the opposite has proven true. With the global financial debacle hitting every corner of the economic globe, the situation in Florida has just gotten worse. Both Gary's find themselves in the "perfect storm"--losing money every month on their mortgages, no renters in sight, no prospects for profit if they sell...and a month is beginning to feel "long term".

The road to Florida riches is paved with good intentions. Both Gary's are great guys. Not crooks, not idiots, not even fly-by-night investors. Given the facts and figures they had to work with at the time, both investments truly looked viable. But, as we now know, no one can predict the future, and the tide simply turned against them. Looking back we might say the storm was inevitable, visible on the horizon. Of course, far enough out on the horizon there is always a storm, and always clear skies as well. What are we gonna get on any given day? Unknown.

So how have my two Gary's fared in the maelstrom? Both have become incredibly anxious, worried--and yes, fearful--that the situation, both emotionally and financially, is not sustainable. Both have felt the tinge of regret, self-recrimination, and self doubt. In Life-Shifting parlance, both have found themselves in a RUT. Stuck: change is required, but fear is in control. We've all been there. Real estate is just a metaphor for life. We all know what it feels like to reach the END of something and be oh-so-reluctant to let go, of a deal, a relationship, a job.

Gary #1, perhaps with the wisdom of years, recognized when fear was taking over. And he did two key things: 1. He talked about it and asked for support; 2. he made the decision to sell; to let go and move on. Gary #2, perhaps due to his naivete and feelings of humiliation upon discovering that this kind of thing can REALLY happen, did the opposite: 1. He told no one (except me); 2. He pretended that all was well (recognize denial in action?: see previous post "Fear Not!?").

Of course, we all know where my story is heading: Gary #1, with the help of a compassionate group of friends and professionals, worked through his fear and regret, made the decision to sell, took a deep breath and accepted the big loss on his balance sheet (very painful!), and moved on. A few months of agony, yes, but release, relief, and peace followed. And, as you might expect, there is good news from Gary #2: he heard about the story of Gary #1 and got the message: he is beginning to shift. He is sharing his story with friends and family, getting advice from professionals and asking for help. Soon, he too, will make a decision and move on. He may need to declare bankruptcy if the property won't sell--even at a loss--but even that, for a hard-working, professional in the prime of his career, is not the end of the world.

Now you may be wondering if I'm writing this story to make Gary #2 look bad. Not at all. I'm writing this story because I think we are all more like Gary #2 most of the time. I know I am. Be honest with yourself: how many times have you stewed on a decision, isolating yourself and holding on to your fear and anxiety about the need to END SOMETHING--an investment gone sour, a relationship over, a job at a dead end? We've all been there. Letting go is hard. BUT it is a necessary part of any cycle of self-renewal.

Everything in life moves in a cycle of birth, growth, death, and re-birth. When we can recognize the cycle as natural, and not let our fear constrict us mentally and emotionally, when we can join the human race and ask for help instead of hiding out, pretending that everyone else has got it handled...well, then we can move through fear, let go of whatever it is that needs to be released--condos, stocks, girlfriends, parents--and get back in the flow of life.

Gary #2 is most of us. Gary #1 is my life-shifting role model; a master teacher in the school of RELEASING FEAR and NAVIGATING LIFE CHANGE. Fortunately, he has not only moved on from the ash heap of burned out condo investments, he is out in the world, sharing his wisdom and insight with others, mentoring those Gary #2's that roam the streets of Florida (and elsewhere) looking like caged animals--anxious, starving for support, alone.

My hat is off to both Gary's. I thank them for the opportunity to learn--to see ourselves in their plight and to see the gift of re-invention in the life-shifting mastery of Gary #1. So...here's the summary point:

If you find yourself in a bad economic situation and over wrought with fear, anxiety and stress, take a lesson from the playbook of Gary #1. Step back, recognize your fear, accept it and move forward. Talk about it with others; ask for help. When you're ready, make a decision and let go....and let GOD.

Dr J

ps. anyone interested in a great deal on a Florida condo...let me know! :)

Well, I guess I'm about twenty years too late to join the hip-hop generation, which is too bad because I really like their attitude. Or should I say 'tude. Wassup? Not much, they might say, we're just chillin.

Chillin. Relaxing. Taking it easy. Taking a breather. They're on to something here.

Yesterday, I left off with a long Sunday morning exhale, trying not to leave you feeling too anxious or worried or stressed out to learn that FEAR is a perfectly normal reaction to the way the world is behaving these days. My key point was this: it is not usually the fear itself that causes us to get all tied up in emotional knots, rather it is our denial of it, and our resistance to it, that brings on strife.

The minute we shift our focus from pushing our fears away towards recognition and acceptance of their absolute normalcy, things start to change. We may find ourselves with a little bit more room to breathe, a little more space for creativity and possibility to emerge. AND THEN IT IS TIME TO CHILL!

I have written here before about the difference between reacting and responding to life. In a very practical sense the only difference between the two is space, that brief moment of silence, recognition, awareness that occurs when we respond as opposed to that instantaneous, painful--and sometimes hurtful--lurch of reactivity.

Those vibrant young hipsters who would admonish us to "chill" are pointing the way: the key to releasing our fears once we've recognized and accepted their presence is found in that blessed space between awareness and response, what I'll call the gap. And we find our way into this space by "chillin"--stopping to breathe, to get grounded, to relax a bit, to WAIT before acting until we feel centered again.

Reacting to our stressors--be they the purveyors of bad news on CNN, irritating spouses, demanding bosses--with immediate fight/flight agency (remember the last time you flipped the bird to the driver that cut you off!) just reinforces our fearful state. In our reactive mode, we feel the tightness in our chests, the brow furling, the breath becomes short and halting. We may call it an "attack" of anxiety but in truth the attacker is ourselves: we react to our fearful state by reinforcing it.

Of course, all this talk of chillin is easier said than done. Most of us are habituated to react...and react we do. In our rather out-of-whack society in which action is revered and contemplation is considered a waste of time by many, "minding the gap" is an unusual practice. Meditation helps, but for many, meditation is very difficult, if not impossible. I personally prefer yoga.

The gift of yoga is that while it is a meditative practice, with a focus on centering, breathing, and being present, the whole body is engaged. Yoga offers us the opportunity to experience the spaciousness of presence, not just in the mind, but in the muscles, lungs, fingers and toes--where the energy of fear often lingers, coiled, tight and ready to spring. Whether yoga, meditation, or some other practice--playing music, writing poetry, prayer, etc--we all need to find our way to "mind the gap" -- to find some space between the notes.

Here's my summary thought for yesterday and today's posts. Let's call it the two-step dance for releasing fear: 1. recognize and accept: when your anxiety, stress, worry, and irritation is FEAR in disguise. 2. Mind the gap: create space for the feeling, allow it some breathing room. Take that very crucial moment--and respond rather than react.

So...how you be chillin?

Dr. J